Many people, despite disliking their spouse, find it difficult to divorce immediately due to their children. One mother on a mom community shared her struggles: she dislikes everything about her husband but stays for their son’s sake. Others advised her to consider the impact on her children, while some shared their experiences of growing up in troubled homes. It’s a tough decision, with no right or wrong answer. Some suggest waiting for the right moment to divorce, while others recommend seeking counseling. Ultimately, the decision to divorce should be made carefully, considering the well-being of everyone involved.
Despite disliking her husband, many people find it difficult to divorce right away due to their children. In the Mama Star community, there was a post from a mom who shared the same concerns.
“I hate everything about him. His drinking habits, appearance, way of speaking, how he treats the kids, everything. I can’t stand him, but I can’t divorce him because I don’t want my son to suffer. He’s in a baseball team, and without me and my husband, supporting him becomes difficult. Every time I see a message from my husband, I feel disgusted by his face. Although it doesn’t seem like I’ll be kicked out of my own house after cleaning it thoroughly, I feel like running away. But my son would be lost without his mother. We’ve tried talking about it and improving our relationship, but it always results in more complaints than discussions. Many people stay in a marriage for the sake of the children, even if the relationship has cooled down, right?”
The poster mentioned that she can’t divorce her husband right now because she needs his cooperation to support her son in baseball. However, due to her inability to confide in him, she has started to despise him as a person and has lost the will to continue the relationship. She sought advice from other moms by asking, “I really hate my husband these days, and every day is a struggle. Do you have any advice on how to overcome this?”
Is it better not to divorce for the sake of the children? Is it wrong?
“I understand that you’re trying for your son’s sake, but it’s okay to run away before things completely fall apart.”
There was an opinion that approving of divorce for the children’s sake once the cartel collapses is meaningless. This person was raised by a mother who said, “I want to get a divorce, but I can’t.” She expressed her wish for a quick divorce.
“I grew up in a household where my parents were constantly fighting. In high school, I begged my uncle from relatives to ‘please get divorced.’ However, I tried to get divorced once I got married, but due to various reasons, it became difficult, and I gave up. I then raised my two children to adulthood with the determination that it wasn’t my lack of patience. When my children started studying what they wanted and living the life they desired, I realized that my patience wasn’t in vain.”
On the other hand, a mother who grew up in a similar situation where her parents didn’t divorce said, “If I had been financially unstable and had to give up my career, I would have resented my parents.” While she dislikes her husband, she has a certain degree of financial independence, and there are households where parents are financially stable despite not being together, without any signs of marital discord. In the end, there are two choices, but it’s not easy to determine which one will make the children happy. There is no right or wrong answer, so it’s not up to a third party to conclusively say, “It’s better to get a divorce.”
In my experience, “It’s never too late to wait for the right time.”
Indeed, I also seriously considered divorce after a difficult postpartum surgery, so I understand the poster’s feelings well. At that time, I talked to my husband about the difficulty of childcare after surgery and asked for his help, but nothing changed. His every move gradually became unpleasant, and I began to feel suffocated even though we were in the same room. I communicated this to my parents, close friends, consulted with the local government and a lawyer. At that time, I hated my husband so much that I believed there was no option but to divorce. Hoping for a future as a single mother, my perspective became quite narrow. However, midway through, I changed my mind thinking, “If I divorce now, there’s a possibility that the children may suffer from the absence of their father when they grow up. It’s not a decision to divorce immediately.” For the next few years, I thought about the impact on my children, avoided communication with my husband, and tried to relieve stress in my own way. When I see my children growing and bonding with their parents, I sometimes think, “I should have divorced at that time.” However, the resentment after childbirth hasn’t disappeared, my feelings towards my husband haven’t returned much, and the fact remains that I still can’t shake off the feeling of wanting to divorce again. I feel that even now, it’s not too late to divorce if needed. Currently, I am able to live each day with a feeling that divorce is not too late. In fact, being in a situation where I can divorce at any time might bring me emotional stability.
Since the poster is also postponing divorce for the sake of her children, it can be said that now is not the time to divorce. Whether it’s after the children have flown the nest or it’s really at the breaking point, setting goals, stabilizing life, and conquering each day without regrets will surely lead to a better outcome. Isn’t that right?
You are not the only mother considering divorce.
“I have almost the same feelings towards my husband. It’s not easy to divorce, so you must be struggling and distressed.”
“I hated my husband for a while. Thinking that it was bad to continue in this state, I conveyed all the things that bothered me, and gradually things started getting better. I realized that there’s no perfect person because everyone has flaws.”
“Do you have any feelings towards your husband? If even 1mm is okay, try your best. If not, it’s better to think about divorce.”
“I understand because I’m in a similar situation. Even if you say ‘I made a mistake in choosing such a husband,’ there are many things you won’t know until you get married. The better a person looks on the outside, the more they hide their frightening true nature. The sound of my husband’s voice is disgusting, and I can’t do anything. I’m just enduring it. ‘I’ll wait until the children grow up and have everything in place before getting divorced.'”
While many mothers with feelings similar to the poster’s, such as wanting a divorce or hating their husbands, are managing to continue their married life somehow, there was also an opinion that said, “Not only for the sake of the children but also for the sake of the children, divorce should be considered.” Of course, it’s a fact that children grow up in difficult environments with incompatible parents. However, there are also many anxieties about raising children in the absence of both parents and the judgments of society. Therefore, rather than impulsively rushing into divorce, it may be vital to imagine post-divorce life, prepare financially, and seek advice on whether to divorce or postpone if there are even slightest feelings towards the husband. Just trying to make sure that stress doesn’t build up will sometimes resolve itself with time or change in circumstances. There’s the possibility that you and your husband can still communicate in the future. Knowing that there are mothers all over Japan who share the same concerns and struggles as the poster might provide some relief.
Author: AKI Editor: Kujū Illustration: Pongko